Dealing with Difficult Personalities

How do you go about dealing with difficult personalities? This was a recent question a colleague posed to me.

Being able to deal with difficult personalities is a key to my vocation, the ministry. It seems that churches seem to attract people who have strong personalities and are not perfect. You have heard it said that when someone comes to you looking for the perfect church the proper response is to tell them when they find it, don't join it or they will quickly mess things up. The reality is that we are all very different and all difficult to deal with at times. However we are going to be successful in serving people, dealing with difficult personalities is a special skill that needs to be learned.



Below is how I responded to my friend and hope it is how I respond to others, especially those with difficult personalities.

1. Constantly reviewing my ‘call’ to serve, not to be served. I remember visiting with an older Methodist minister and she always said, "I serve at (name of church)." In our leadership crazed country where everyone has an agenda to push, I thought this perspective was very meaningful, especially because leadership in the church is different than any other organization.

2. I try to find value in every person. Kelly (my wife) taught me this skill, sometimes even making it a game. I remember in Waco the ‘drop off teacher’ who welcomed the kids each morning at our kids elementary school never smiled. Kelly and my daughter deciede to ‘attack her’ with kindness.' They gave her notes, other small gifts and finally ended up giving her flowers one morning. This hardend teacher of 30 years broke, she started smiling whenever she saw Kelly or my daughter (and sometimes me).

A good deed is never lost: he who sows courtesy reaps friendship; and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Basil

3. I also employ win-win thinking, a great concept outlined by the late Steven Covey. I realize that even my "great ideas" need refinement and I can learn from other people. Through the process of negotiating for everyone to win, difficult personalities are looked at from a positive angle.

4. I don’t ‘back down’ but respectfully state my case/idea/though/opinion. I don’t want to be a doormat, and want to move forward so being strong and sharing my opinion is an important part of the process.

5. Sometimes, you just can’t win, as a minister you get criticized often, you have to take the insults, mean words, gossip and realize....it might just be happening to thicken your skin (which is one of the 3 essential things for being a minister).

6. Finally, I do talk about difficult interactions with Kelly, and we usually end up laughing and trying to find humor in the situation. If I bottle them up I tend to start resenting the ‘other’ instead of making room for them.

Bill Hybles once said that the hardest person you will ever have to lead is you. When we can remember that we are just as difficult as everyone else seems to be, I think we are on the road to being they type of person who can deal with others who share in having difficult personalities.