5 Reasons We Should Be Kind

Through tears she said 'I just think we need to be kind to each other.'  This was one of the hardest things I have ever heard from my wife.  I had always thought I was a good guy, never harmed her or even though about it, yet something in how I was acting was giving my wife the reason to suggest that kindness was not being shown to her...by me.  Decision time, right?  If kindness is important to someone I care about, it was going to be important to me.  Full disclosure - I am not one who is naturally kind so this was going to take some work.
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The 3 Commitments That Will Save Your Marriage

In 1925 George Leigh Mallory was a British school master and socialite, with a good dose of arrogance he decided he was going to ascend the unconquered peak of Mount Everest.  He fully committed to the task.  When a reporter asked him why he intended to climb this mountain he replied ‘Because it is there.’  

On June 8 the 38 year old father of 3 young children and his companion Andrew Irvine were seen starting up the mountain. That was when they were last seen, until 75 years later in 1999 Mallory’s perfectly preserved frozen body was discovered by an American mountain climbing team.  

Commitment is great, however what we commit our lives to is pretty important.  Some may say Mallory died being committed to living adventure, while others (his wife and kids) may say he committed to the wrong thing.  

Five Phrases Guaranteed to Strengthen Your Bond with Your Kids

My kids are growing up fast, too fast. My wife and I have loved each stage of their development and are in the throws of taking our oldest to college.   We can’t help but look back at our lives and evaluate how we did, regret where we failed and honestly hope we laid a foundation for our kid’s health and growth.

Parenting is not easy!  I am the first one to admit I have been a very imperfect father.  I have made my share of mistakes, large and small in my parental role.  I am very glad that my kids have chosen to love an imperfect man.  I have found that parenting without the goal of perfection has been a much better choice than to try to be a perfect parent.  

The Only Cure for Hurry Sickness

You bet Hurry Sickness is a disease.  According to dictionary.com hurry sickness is:

Noun - a behavior pattern characterized by continual rushing and anxiousness; an overwhelming and continual sense of urgency

Hurry sickness is not reserved for 'type A' hard-driving personalities. In fact even the calmest and most mild mannered around us may be infected with this disease.

In her February 2015 Fortune Magazine article, Ann Fisher highlights the symptoms of hurry sickness.

You might have hurry sickness if...

• you consistently eat lunch at your desk while checking emails and returning phone calls.

• you are usually doing something else while on conference calls.
• you are compelled to do something else while brushing your teeth.
• you view multitasking as a badge of honor.
• you have a habit of interrupting someone who is talking
• you find yourself getting frustrated in the checkout line
• you get frustrated in traffic - even when you are going the speed limit.
• when microwaving something for 30 seconds and you have the urge to find something else to do while you wait.
• you repeatedly pushing the close door button on the elevator (they are usually not even connected...they are what is called a mechanical placebo)

What does impress both the unsaved and saved alike are those rare individuals who have learned to control their lifestyles and use the abundance they have to help others and spread God's Word. ... Let me propose a radical idea from God's Word: Determine God's best for your life, and be satisfied with it, even if it means moving down in lifestyle.

Larry Burkett

The Most Important Thing A Parent Can Do?

I feel both guilty and full of hope after watching this video.  If you have kids in sports you know exactly how I feel.  Hello I am Chris and I am a hyper-competitive parent.  I have transferred my hyper-competitive tendencies onto my children at times.  I have not been the best parent over the years, I have done everything this video says not to do...however I have made a change.  It took time, and work, and my wife's stares that shot through me like a lazer beam...but I have done it.  You can too!  It takes some effort, but after the next game just try it and see how this one simple phrase can change the dynamic of your entire family.  I DARE you!  (This may apply to some of your professional leadership positions as well?)

21 Things Fathers Need to Tell Their Daughters

1. You are worth waiting for. Say this every night before they go to sleep, even when they don't know what your talking about. Because one day they will and it will mean a lot.
2. You are beautiful, inside and out - but your looks cannot define who you are.
3. You don't have to be perfect (But I think you are pretty close).
4. Read a lot.
5. I love your mother, they need to know this. (If you are divorced, I respect your mother).
6. Save money, start early and you won't have to worry about it when your old.
7. Stay out of debt. Don't get into it (even for college) and don't marry someone who has it until they get rid of it or it will become your problem.
8. I'm going to grill the guys you date. So get over it now.
9. Play a sport for the thrill of competing. Don't worry about winning or losing, be a good teammate
10. Focus on the things you do well. Too many people try to be good at everything, don't. Find out what you are good at and let it fly!
11. Quit, not when things get tough, but if something is not working for you, if you don't love it, find something else to put your energy into.
12. Don't try to be popular, it is very overrated! Be genuinely kind to everyone, pick a few friends that are special, but at all costs don't try to be popular.
13. How you dress will attract specific types of guys.
14. In order to have good friends, you have to be a good friend.
15. Play golf, so we will always have something to do, can take long walks and spend time together even if you beat me.
16. God has amazing plans for you and thinks you are very valuable.
17. The kind of guy you date, is the kind of guy you will marry (date wisely because they are not going to change).
18. I will ask any young man who wants to marry you to see his tax returns for the last 3 years and have a credit check run on him. How can you expect me to give away one of my most valuable possessions to someone I hardly know without seeing if he is honest and can manage his finances? (Finding out too late, is too late).
19. You are not a victim in this world, be bold daring and show up with all of who you are to anything you are involved in.
20. Observe how 'your guy' treats his mom and speaks about his mom. He won't treat you any better.
21. No matter what happens in your life, you can always come home to a hug and my love.

5 Surprising Benefits of Joining a Small Church

Many of my friends have left traditional, smaller churches.  I am talking about churches under 100 in Sunday morning attendance.  I have had the opposite migration.  I have been a minister and a member at both larger and small churches.  When I was a minister at a larger church I was arrogant and looked down my nose at smaller churches.  Now that I am a pastor at a small church I have had to work through being arrogant and looking up my nose at the larger churches that 'steal' our members and have youth ministry budgets larger than our entire church budget.

While I was on sabbatical last summer our family visited several larger churches and saw that they are doing a great work.  For a long time I had hidden my jealousy (since I pastor a small church) of larger churches through little criticisms about their programming and impersonal atmosphere.  I will admit I was wrong.  There are a lot of great churches that are large, in fact we sent our kids on a mission trip with a larger churches youth group and they treated wonderfully.


However, there are a lot of great small churches as well.  There are benefits to being a part of a small church that can only be found in a small church.

1. People get to know your name; everyone gets to know your name. You don't get as close to everyone in a small church, but you do feel like Norm coming into Cheers, everyone knows your name.  In our day of having so many social interactions online, it is nice to have multi-generations say hello to you by using your name each week.       Part of the deal in a small church is that most of these people really care about you and will be there if you need them.  You may have heard it said that if you find a perfect church don't join it because you will just mess it up.  Every church has its warts, yet in a small church those warts are overshadowed by loving and supportive relationships.

2.  The smaller church needs your support, there are a lot of places to serve and try out your gifts and interests.  Many small churches have a leadership void.  They also have multiple needs and places to serve.  If you are wanting to put your faith into action, a small church can offer immediate places to use your gifts, try out interests and push your leadership limits.   Smaller churches can have leadership structures that take a while to break into, but that is because the people want to know you before they welcome you into leadership.  But don't you want to know and trust people who lead you as well?

3.  Pot-lucks, need I say more.    Smaller churches love to get together for pot-lucks.  If you have never been to a church pot-luck you have missed something spectacular.  If you don't know what a pot-luck is it is too wonderful to try to explain.  In fact you need to find a friend who goes to a small church and tell them to invite you to their next pot-luck.  People bringing their favorite home-made recipes, nothing goes together, but everything is delicious.  At our church people are known for their dishes, one will bring authentic tamales, one will bring a home-made pound cake, one will bring broccoli salad...the result is synergism at its finest. (And as a pastor often I get to take home left-overs...God is good!)

4.  Cross generational interaction for your family.  One of my favorite times of the week is about 30 minutes prior to Sunday School when I sit with several of the men of our church and visit.  My youngest son, who is 11 often comes and sits down with us and visits as well.  These men vary in age (all are older than me), treat my son with respect and dignity allowing him into their conversation.  All three of my kids have grown up in small Sunday School classes where they had individual attention and instruction.  My oldest child spent a year with a wonderful woman his grandmother’s age and they studied the Bible together for an hour each Sunday.  He was in 6th grade and loved every minute of his time with her.  Opportunities such as this are the norm in smaller churches.

5.  They are not 'cool', but Jesus hangs out at small churches.  Small churches do not have glitz and glamour; they are not where the cool kids or families go on Sunday morning.  Movers and shakers rarely attend smaller churches, but Jesus does.  Jesus was from a small and insignificant town and that means something special to me.  A small church, with all its warts is a place where real people open their hearts to Jesus and share their lives with each other.

I am happy to say that even though we have been in large and small churches, our family continues to love our little church where we worship with people we know, connect with our fellow Christ followers in a very personal way and serve the individual needs of the community we live in.  I think being members of a small church is one of the best things that has ever happened to our family.

Blind-spots Everyone Else Can See

It started with little giggles and then turned into all out laughter.  I had no clue what was going on so I looked sheepishly up from my meal and realized my family was all looking at me and laughing.  My son abruptly said, 'Dad we are not Vikings.'  I guess I tend to attack my food just like I do everything else, with vigor and passion. When I eat (albeit with my mouth closed) my chewing is loud, so loud that everyone can hear.  I had no idea, I was blind to my carnivorous munching. After all I grew up with two brothers and our table was loud and seconds went to the one who finished first.  I had learned a behavior that needed to be corrected.  I wonder how many times I have been out on a business lunch or at a social meal and others have noticed this?  I had a blind spot that I am so glad my kids let me know about.  I am now consciously trying to eat like a human being and chew so my neighbors don't hear me.

This interaction started me thinking about blind spots.  We all have blind spots, outbursts of anger, forgetfulness, pride, missing deadlines, the list can go on forever.  I recently heard of a park ranger who handled animals every day.  She often handled skunks but wondered why she could never get past a first date with guys.  Our blind spots can harm our relationships, health and job performance.

Here is the funny thing:  Even though they are our blind spots....EVERYONE else knows what they are.  Our blind spots are clear to the people we love, work with, play sports with, lead, follow, worship with...yep everyone around us knows our blind spots.  However they don't necessarily know that we don't know.  You can see how this can be so harmful to our growth and relationships.  If I am doing something obnoxious to others that I don't realize or intend to do, they may think that I do realize and do intend to do this and give up on our relationship.  If I am consistently late to meetings or with deadlines, my boss and coworkers are going to get angry and ultimately fire me.

How do you discover your blind spots?

When It Doesn't Make Sense

Sometimes things can’t be explained.  Sure they can be talked about, reasoned through and even articulated correctly.  But you can’t explain it where the emotions, rational thought, reactions and will all line up and things are made to reconcile.  We know a sweet family who just lost their son.  He was a great kid, happy, fun, kind.  There is no rational reason he got sick and I can’t explain why he died. I remember this little boy on my flag football team, lining up with his hands in his pockets, ‘Get your hands out of your pockets and get ready to play’ I would bark at him.  He would smile and then go make a play.  I don’t really know what to do, or what to say when things like this happens.  I know the world suffered a loss on Sunday.  I know our little buddy is with God in heaven.  But my son and I still wonder why it had to happen to his friend…and can’t explain it.  In fact I am not trying to explain anything to my son; I am just hugging him a lot.  I think this may be what God does to us as well during these times and when we try to figure it all out we miss God's comfort.  It is times such as this that I go to the Bible for help with the inexplicable.  I was reading this morning and ran across this verse and it helped me be ok in not understanding.

[17] He rescued me from my strong enemy

and from those who hated me,

for they were too mighty for me.

[18] They confronted me in the day of my calamity,

but the LORD was my support.

[19] He brought me out into a broad place;

he rescued me, because he delighted in me.  (Psalm 18:17-19 ESV)

The Secret to Enjoying Church

By now you know I am a pastor and I love the church.  I am also frustrated by the church, in awe of the church, curious about the church, after all it is my life’s work and calling.  I have found that I can be successful in building a church and church work and unsuccessful at being a follower of Jesus.  I get this and work very hard to not be a church person, but a disciple of Jesus who follows Jesus into the church.  The church remains the best place to grow spiritually, however there is one secret to being able to grow in the church.

Let me take a step back and say I have had multiple conversations, with people in multiple cities in multiple denominations and all of them are frustrated at church.  In fact I can count on my hand the number of conversations I have had with people in my life who were jazzed about their church.

I have heard critiques on pastors, preaching, Sunday school, small group, youth leaders, children’s ministries, building, bathrooms, sound systems...you name it I have heard people complain about it (and to be honest I have complained about church as well).  Yet I still firmly believe that being connected to and committed to a local church is the primary place Jesus would have us grow spiritually.  That is if you know the one secret.

Church is not supposed to be a perfect place.  We may think it is, but it is not; it is a gathering of sinful, messed up people (even the ones that have been there forever, sometimes especially these dear ones) trying to figure out how to relate to God and the world.  Church is messy, church is frustrating, church is a laboratory for learning how to get free from sin.  Church is not supposed to run smoothly, be entertaining, or even meet our needs. I still have not given you the secret to being able to ‘keep on keepin on’ at church.  Most of the pastors I know, and I know a lot are great people who care deeply about the churches and the people they serve.  They take the criticism and brunt of the responsibility for the failure of the church, even though they should not.  If you have ever looked at your pastor’s job description you would see that it is an impossible task and no person who was in their right mind would agree to do or be able to do all the tasks listed.  I guess I am saying that the pastor or ministers are not the secret to being able to grow in the church (and smile while doing it).

Are you ready for the secret?  This goes for me, you, I, he, they, us, we (you get the idea).  This is a universal fact, a truth, something you can take to the bank that applies 100% of the time.  The secret to growing spiritually in church is...each time I walk into the church I prayerfully ask God this question.

How can I serve You and love Your people today?

There it is, if I do this before every meeting, every worship service, every pot-luck, every small group I will 100% of the time find fulfillment.  Why because the very word worship is to serve, and when I position myself as a servant of God a wonderfully mysterious thing happens, God in turn meets my need.  Quit going to church because it meets your needs and meets your families needs (church is not supposed to be wal-mart).  In fact find a little church that is struggling, and go join it (unless you have a ton of baggage that is the last thing a tiny, struggling church needs, we can talk about that later) and start serving.  There are tons of churches who need people to serve, need to be revitalized, need worshipers who enter saying, ‘God, how can I serve you and your people here today?’  Try it, I dare you!

Habits of Transformational Christians - #9 Holy Listening

When was the last time you were listened to?  I mean a time you were really heard.  Someone looked you in the eye, did not have a phone in their hand, and treated what you said as the most important event happening at that time.  If you have had this experience, you are luck and know exactly what I am talking about.

During a very dark time prior to the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln turned to a Washington outsider and old friend from back in Springfield, Leonard Sweet for help.  Lincoln asked Sweet to come to the White House and discuss the idea of issuing a proclamation of freeing the slaves.  Lincoln spoke late into the night with Sweet, hour upon hour turning over this issue from every side, going over every detail, every critique, every article, every letter received.  After a long evening, Lincoln simply shook his friends hands and without asking for an opinion bid him a good evening.  Lincoln did not need a conversation, or opinion, Lincoln needed an open ear, he needed to be heart.  There is healing power in someone who will enact the practice of Holy Listening.

The most practical book in the bible, James highlights Holy Listening as a priority for Christians, he writes ‘Know this, my beloved brothers:  let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.’

Three simple steps to help others through Holy Listening.  (Warning:  this is so simplistic that you may want to throw something at me...try doing it for a week prior to throwing.)

1.  Listen more than you talk - to listen deeply and intently to another human being is demonstrating that you value them.  By listening to another you give God room to work in their life.  Keeping your words in check also means that you are a wise person.

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.

Proverbs 10.19

You have heard it said, ‘learn to zip your lip’ or ‘you have 2 ears and 1 mouth, listen 2x as much as you talk.’  James would dig these phrases and call them Holy.

2.  Ask others questions -  Years ago a young woman went to dinner with William Gladstone and the next evening by Benjamin Disraeli, his political opponent.  She was later asked her impression of the two evenings and the two men.  The young lady replied, ‘When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England.  But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England.’

I know a delightful lady who is gifted at getting to know other people.  She develops close and caring relationships very quickly, quicker than anyone else I have ever known.  I asked her what is her secret and she said rather bluntly, ‘I ask people about themselves and listen.’

Theologian Paul Tillich once said, ‘The first duty of love is to listen.’

When we are interested in others, we open up space for God to move in their lives and we build strong relationships.

3.  Consider it a great honor to be confidant - Good listeners value confidentiality and hold the information they receive in high esteem.  I heard the story of a man who was a bit tipsy and stumbled out of a club, almost knocking down his pastor who was strolling past.  ‘Sorry Preacher, wish you did not see me like this.’  The minister replied, ‘Well, I don’t know why you should be sorry for me to see you this way Sam. After all, the Lord sees you wherever you are, doesn't he?’  ‘Yeah, yeah he does preacher,’ Sam replied. ‘But he is not such a blabbermouth as you are.’

Gossip kills the power of Holy Listening.  What a great honor to have someone confide in us and the transformational christian takes that information to God and God alone...the one who can do something about it.

Transformational Christians practice Holy Listening...and if we are careful, and quiet enough, we might just hear the whisper of God.

Universal Laws of Kindness

Some things communicate very clearly, even in other cultures.

A Lesson from the Little League Fields I will Never Forget

I learned something this weekend at my son's baseball game.  First, I am a lacrosse guy, which automatically puts me in the anti-baseball category.  I have made it through 2 kids without spending time at the little league fields, not so with number three.  He is in 4th grade and has never played baseball before, in fact prior to Saturday he has only  attended one organized practice.  We thought Fall Ball would give him a chance to learn the game from right field.  Most of his classmates on the opposing team have played at least 3 years of organized baseball.  My son woke up nervous, but determined to play.  He played first base the first inning and did fine, missed a couple, caught a couple a wash.  He came up to us as he was getting ready to bat saying, 'Coach says I am going to pitch.'  I said, 'No way, just go back to the dugout and get ready to hit.'

My wife got nervous, went to the coach and reminded him that he had never played before, this was literally his first time to ever put on a 'cup.'  Coach just said, 'he will do fine.'  Does he know something I don't because I have played catch with the boy in the front yard.  My wife was visibly nervous, went to the other teams bleachers where she knew a ton of moms and although she won't admit it my guess is she was pre-apologizing in case our sin hit their sons.  If she could let them know it was his first time to play, they might night honk at her in pick up line at school.

Well it was a 5-5 ball game.  My son was nervous, but he was not backing down from the challenge.  It almost looked as if he was excited about the challenge.  He was not as seasoned on the mound as the other boys, but he actually had some control, he threw some strikes, he did not hit any of the other kids.  To be honest I was amazed.  He would have had 2 strikeouts if the catcher had not dropped the 3rd strike.  And even with the other coach screaming run to the kids on base, each time my son wound up, he did a great job.  After two innings 10-10 (you guessed it there is a 5 run limit 15-15 final).  I was amazed, and convicted at the same time.

The boy took an opportunity to go do something completely new, with threat of ridicule and failure looming large on the horizon, and succeeded.  How many times have I not tried because I was more scared of failure than excited about a new adventure?  Can't wait till next Saturday.

showing up or SHOWING UP

Are you going to show up today?  This is a question we each have to answer every day. Showing up is the first step to success.  You can stay in bed or you can get up and get out into the world.  But once you get out what are you going to do to contribute to the world. Are you going to just show up or SHOW UP with everything you have? There are two options when you show up, be there in body, or be there with all of who you are.

I have worked with a lot of people who have just shown up.  I have observed them in church, I have seen them at practice on the ball fields, I have noticed them out in restaurants.  I have been one.  The difference between showing up and SHOWING UP is evident to everyone around us, an obvious trait.  The penalty of just showing up is missing out on life, missing out on the contribution we can make and receive in life.  That is a big deal.

We each are created in the image of God and have something to bring, to add, to contribute.  When we don't we cheat ourselves and others. When we SHOW UP and engage life happens.  SHOW UP and change the world, we need you and you need we!

The Power of a Routine

[caption id="attachment_377" align="alignleft" width="225"] Taken on day 1 of new morning routine[/caption]

No one can create more time, it is impossible. I do think that we, especially me, can use time more efficiently. While on vacation I was trying to eliminate hurry from my life and was a bit overwhelmed. I read two different blog posts that helped me start the process of changing my behavior. One post was on the Art of Manliness blog, the other on Michael Hyatt’s blog. They both dealt with the power of having a morning and evening routine.

No Gators in this Pond

There is a story of an elderly lady who lived in the Big Cypress Swamp in South Florida.  She lived in an old shack by a small pond and each day she went to the pond to draw water.  In the pond there lived an alligator.  It lived there for years and she knew about him.  The gator seemed tame to her.  In fact they had a type of understanding, she didn't bother the gator and the gator did not bother her. At least this is how the woman saw it.

10 Books Every Teenage Boy Should Read

I was a youth pastor for several years and have teenagers of my own. I am occasionally asked what books would be good for a teenager to read. The trick is to find good books with important messages that will keep a teens attention. I believe books can help develop character and I chose the following books with character formation and thought stimulation in mind. This is not an exhaustive list, but the following books can help build character in anyone who reads them. I would suggest that these books be read by the parent and teen at the same time so they can be discussed.

I am a follower of Jesus so this list reflects my Christian beliefs and perspective. While not every book on this list is from a Christian perspective, each has been chosen for a specific reason.

Top 10 Book Every Teenage Boy Should Read

1. What Color is Your Parachute - Teen Edition

2. 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens - Sean Covey

3. The Heart and the Fist - Eric Greitens

4. Wild at Heart - John Eldredge

5. Night- Elie Wiesel

6. Same Kind of Different as Me- Ron Hall and Denver Moore

7. Toughness - Jay Bilas

8. How Good is Good Enough - Andy Stanley

9. Do the Work - Steven Pressfield

10. A Whack in the Side of the Head - Roger von Oech

The Sabbatical Struggle

My sabbatical started out with a bang.  All 3 of my kids got sick and we had to cancel a beach vacation.  I had expected the 6 weeks of sabbatical to be peaceful and restful a total 'zen' type experience.  Instead Murphy of Murphy's Law fame set up shop in our lives and we experienced 6 weeks of turmoil.  Our church had been so generous in giving my family 6 weeks to refocus and refresh and it seemed as if everything that could go wrong, went wrong.  In fact if I am honest I had thoughts of scrapping the entire sabbatical idea and going back to work.  I am so glad I did not because God had other plans for me.

5 Ideas to Consider When Dealing with Conflict

I have had to deal with conflict often in my work.  I have learned a couple practical lessons that are helping me grow and develop as I wade through conflict.

1.  Eat some humble pie - I am very aware that much of the conflict I have encountered over the years is largely my fault.  I know it takes 'two to tango,' however; in order to deal with conflict I have to realize I bear much of the blame.

2.  Never email in these situations - Dealing with conflict over the email is plain stupid.  Much of communication is non-verbal and people cannot read emotions (no matter how many smiley faces and hearts you put in your communication).  A face-to-face meeting is always best to deal with conflict.  Use email to set up meetings, but never to resolve conflict.

3.  Deal with people as individuals - many times folks might bring other people into the conflict, people who are not there. This is simply not fair to anyone involved.  If someone brings up another name, just simply state you plan on visiting with them about this later and want to focus on the present company at this time.

4.  Don't wait - dealing with conflict is never fun or easy.  When I deal with a troubling situation my heat is beating and palms are sweaty...but it is better than sleepless nights.  Every time I have dealt with conflict head on, in person and when I find out about it...no matter the outcome I have felt more human and slept like a baby.

5.  View the other as your advocate - many times you can learn a great deal about yourself by what other people will say in a 'conflict-resolution' setting.  We all have 'blind-spots' and conflict helps us see them.  If you are willing to meet and share your feelings, better be willing to listen and try to understand the others' feelings.  It may take a few days to process what other people say, especially if it is difficult due to the intensity of our emotions and that is fine.  When we view the other person in our conflict as someone we can learn from, personal development and growth takes on an entirely new perspective.